Episode One: Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head
September 25, 2005
Opening:
To be a good surgeon, you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close.
But sometimes, you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open…
Closing:
They say practice makes perfect. Theory is, the more you think like a surgeon, the more you become one. The better you get at remaining neutral, clinical. Cut, suture, close. And the harder it becomes to turn it off… to stop thinking like a surgeon. And remember what it means to think like a human being.
Episode Two: Enough Is Enough (No More Tears)
October 2, 2005
Opening:
I have an aunt who, whenever she poured anything for you, would say: “say when”. My aunt would say, “Say when,” and of course, we never did.
We don’t say “when” because there’s something about the possibility of more. More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better.
Closing:
There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say “when.” I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual… and depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes, all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless.
And all we want… is more.
Episode Three: Make Me Lose Control
October 9, 2005
Opening:
Surgeons are control freaks. With a scalpel in your hand you feel unstoppable. There’s no fear, there’s no pain. You’re ten feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the OR. And all that perfection, all that beautiful control, just falls to crap.
Closing:
No one likes to lose control. But as a surgeon, there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task. And still, there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn’t gonna save you.
No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. Except, if there’s an upside to free falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.
Episode Four: Deny, Deny, Deny
October 16, 2005
Opening:
The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed, and most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial.
We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that, after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth.
We deny so much, that we can’t recognize the truth, right in front of our faces…
Closing:
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world head-on, guns blazing.
Denial. It’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?
Episode Five: Bring the Pain
October 23, 2005
Opening:
Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there’s the kind of pain we can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.
Pain. We anesthetize… ride it out, embrace it, ignore it… And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.
Closing:
Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.
Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up.
Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can’t outrun it. And life always makes more.
Episode Six: Into You Like a Train
October 30, 2005
Opening:
In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways: Those who love surprises, and those who don’t. I don’t. I’ve never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise, because, as surgeons, we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know. Because when we aren’t, people die and lawsuits happen.
Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. Okay, so my point actually, and I do have one, has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits or even surgeons. My point is this: whoever said “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”? Was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.
(Gurney wheeled in with Bonnie and Tom impaled onto a metal pole)
Okay, fine, maybe it’s the second worst.
Closing:
As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients. And, how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves.
As surgeons, we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it’s better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark, there may be fear… but there’s also hope.
Episode Seven: Something to Talk About
November 6, 2005
Opening:
Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words, and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or, how to ask for what we really need…
Closing:
At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about.
Some things, we just don’t want to hear. And some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say. They’re what you do. Some things you say because there’s no other choice. Some things, you keep to yourself.
And not too often, but every now and then… some things simply speak for themselves.
Episode Eight: Let It Be
November 13, 2005
Opening:
In the eighth grade, my English class had to read Romeo and Juliet. Then, for extra credit, Mrs. Snyder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous. But I had a slightly different take.
I told Mrs. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls for the one guy she knows she can’t have. Then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs. Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window.
At the ripe old age of 13, I was very clear, that love, like life, is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it’s so romantic. Romeo and Juliet. True love. How sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum… she deserved whatever she got.
Closing:
Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while. And then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been okay.
I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was grown up, I’d take fate into my own hands. I wouldn’t let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said I’d be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone. And that if I did, we’d be together forever.
Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It’s about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices, and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.
Episode Nine: Thanks for the Memories
November 20, 2005
Opening:
Gratitude. Appreciation. Giving thanks. No matter what words you use, it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy to just be alive… whether we like it or not.
Closing:
Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude… has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.
Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know.
At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing… is reason enough to celebrate.
Episode Ten: Much Too Much
November 27, 2005
Opening:
When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heady combo of youth, tequila, and well, you know.
As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get, because it doesn’t come around nearly as often as it should. ‘Cause good things aren’t always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing.
Closing:
How do you know how much is too much? Too much, too soon? Too much information? Too much fun? Too much love? Too much to ask?
And when is it all just too much to bear?
Episode 11: Owner of a Lonely Heart
December 4, 2005
Opening:
Forty years ago, The Beatles asked the world a simple question. They wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals.
As surgeons, we ignore our own needs, so we can meet our patients’ needs. We ignore our friends and families, so we can save other people’s friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves.
And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.
Closing:
Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it.
“No man is an island, entire unto himself.” Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in… and let us know we’re not alone.
And who’s to say that the someone can’t have four legs? Someone to play with, or run around with… or just hang out.
Episode 12: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
December 11, 2005
Opening:
It’s an urban myth that suicide rates spike at the holidays. Turns out, they actually go down. Experts think it’s because people are less inclined to off themselves when surrounded by family. Ironically, that same family togetherness is thought to be the reason that depression rates actually do spike at the holidays.
Yeah, okay, Izzie doesn’t count.
Closing:
There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And, like them or not, love them or not, understand them, or not… you cope.
Then there’s the school of thought that says the family you’re born into is simply a starting point. They feed you and clothe you and take care of you, until you’re ready to go out into the world… and find your tribe.
Episode 13: Begin the Begin
January 15, 2006
Opening:
Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January. Our reward for surviving the holiday season, is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year’s resolutions. Put your past behind you, and start over.
It’s hard to resist the chance at a new beginning. A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.
Closing:
Who gets to determine when the old ends, and the new begins? It’s not a day on a calendar, not a birthday, not a new year. It’s an event. Big or small. Something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope.
A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning.
But it’s also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.
